Let’s get this thing started–Reverse Kobyashi Style!

Ok, so I was thinking of starting a blog.  Not because I want to blog (verb form), but just so I can have a cool website name like Cory Doctorow’s “Craphound” or the artist Coop’s “Positive Ape Index.”  I just like the thought of having a cool sounding website that I could maybe post YouTube videos or whatever.  Whatever.  I don’t have one yet, but that’s not why I’m writing.

So, I was remembering watching news feed footage a few years ago-when I worked @ TV25-about one of those competitive eating contests.  It was right when they were beginning to get popular.  I think it was the first time the little asian guy won by eating like 50 hotdogs.  Someone at work was talking about how ESPN had a whole story on it & that it was all crazy & stuff & they even had a term for vomitting.  It was called the “Reverse (something).”  The person didn’t know or I just don’t remember what it was called.  But I always thought that was a funny term for an unfunny experience.

So I thought, “Hey, I’ll find out what that term is, and that would be a cool website name…The Reverse (whatever).  So I proceed to Google competitive eating.  What followed has been a day of Unintentional Hilarity.

The first hit is for the IFOCE–International Federation Of Competitive Eating.  Alone it is a goldmine of entertainment.  With profiles on the best eaters in the world.  Such bastions of human accomplishments as “Cookie Jarvis” the “fashionable” eater with his trenchcoat style; Timothy Janus the man of mystery-”Eater X”; “Crazy Legs Conti” who is a bachelor & window washer in NYC’s East village (come on ladies, I think you’re passing up an opportunity here); and Eric Booker who has his own rap CD’s (plural) that you can buy on his website http://www.badlandsbooker.com/ that feature songs like, “Sweet Science of Competitive Eating,” “The All Day Buffet” and the completely respectable “IFOCE Is Here.” (All of which you can sample before you buy, which I did…sample, not buy.)  But none of these people compare to Takeru Kobayashi the 160 pound Japanese guy who once ate 17.7 pounds of Cow Brains in 15 minutes (I kinda think that’s the only “brains” he’s gonna be getting for a while.)

But after searching the entire site-ok, just the pages linked to above-I still coundn’t find the secret phrase they use for ralphing.  Back to Google.  I scoured the Competitive Eating Wiki, still nothing.  I even went to the source of the original topic, ESPN.  But still no alternate term for regurgitation.

Then I stumble upon this: http://www.competitiveeaters.com/  Association of Independent Eaters : Home of the Picnic Style Rules .  What’s this?  A competitor to competition?  As I read I learn the “AICE is an organization composed of Independent Competitive Eaters who are interested in Competitive Eating as a sport and entertainment. Its core membership is composed mostly of professional competitive eaters.”  Huh?  A little further down I learn “AICE seeks to establish mutually beneficial relationships with sponsors, promoters, families and friends.”

Now I’m intruiged.  What does this AICE provide that the IFOCE does not?  Apparently, it’s not what it provides, but what it DOESN’T provide. (Besides more taglines than a cheap undershirt– AICE: A competitive eating organization with a heart …as big as its stomach!)

Apparently our little friends over at IFOCE make all “their” competitors sign a contract that, among other things, take away: the individuals rights to compete in any “non IFOCE sanctioned” events; 20% of any profits made from TV or media appearances; and also more dignity.

As AICE asks potential competitors if they’re sure they want to sign the contract, they also have a checklist of questions to ask yourself before signing, including the question, ” Q. Is this a contract any self respecting Competitive Eater would want to sign?”

(Record needle being scratched accross the vinyl) Wait!  Ok, let me get this, wait, ok…SELF RESPECTING COMPETITIVE EATER?  When talking about actual humans who make money (and some, careers) setting records for eating: 7-quarter pound sticks of Butter in 5 minutes; 4-32oz bowls of Mayonnaise in 8 minutes; and 7 & 3/4 pounds of Turducken (Turkey stuffed with Chicken stuffed with Duck) in 12 minutes, I have to ask, “Where does the term ‘Self Respecting’ cross your mind when reading this?”  I think it was long gone before Dale Boone hit “The Duece.”

As I leave your head spinning with this new enlightenment, I’ll ask you, “What kind of competitive eater are you: one who’s in it for the fame, fortune and lifestyle; or one who does it for the joy, the bragging rights and “Picnic Style Rules?”  (I also ask that if you find out their term for upchucking, let me know so I can start my blog.)  So peace out, Namaste, and remember, the only eaters who aren’t competitive…are pussies.

Later.

$cott

And for those who care, the phrase it turns out, isn’t even Reverse anything, it’s “The Roman Incident.”