Roller Nazi’s

So it was my friend’s birthday the other night (I don’t have a picture of him, but here’s his car)

                                    

…anyway, we all went rollerskating.  Hadn’t been in a while, but apparently, they have had major problems with the clothes people be rockin’ in they club.  I guess their bouncer is on vacation.  Here’s a pic of the dress code.  It was plastered all over the nacho-stinkin place:

                       

Mad Binaural Beatz Son!

                     

When I was in college, I was obsessed with 7 Hertz.  Some consider this frequency a magical number with mystical powers, some consider it a gateway to open up their Chakras, some even consider it the resonant frequency of a chicken’s skull–meaning if you blasted it at high volumes next to a chicken farm funny things would happen.  But most people with an actual degree in science just believe it’s the point at which (depending upon the individual) the brain switches from Alpha waves to Theta waves.  Alpha waves are indicative of deep relaxation, while Theta waves are associated with meditation and sleep.  This 7 Htz midway point is basically the point in which you are both awake & dreaming at the same time, the point where you are falling asleep and think you’re actually falling and flail your arms about and wake yourself up.  It’s also about the point where you’re dreaming that you’re hearing a big siren, then you wake up & realize it’s your alarm clock.

I was obsessed with the idea that you could train you brain to get into this very relaxed, yet very creative state through meditation, practice, or modern chemistry.  But as it turns out, there are ways to get to this state through Entrainment.  One form of entrainment is Binaural Beats.  This is the concept of playing two separate frequencies that have a difference of less than 30 Htz.  The result is that the brain doesn’t hear two tones, but one, with a pulse close to the frequency of a brain wave.  The idea being that you can create this frequency that’s close to an alpha or theta wave & your brain will “hear” it and gravitate toward that frequency.

Another form of entrainment involves Bio or Neurofeedback–the idea that by seeing your own brain waves, you can learn how it feels to lower or raise them.  Oh shit son, I can control my own destiny!  But how do I get this feedback?  Enter the ABT Bioscan EEG!!  For less than $300 you can get your own, at home, neurofeedback machine to control your own brain!  Dude, I’m convinced I need one of these.  None of my friends are gonna see me for a while now, I’ma be vegged out, trippin in my own head, doin some astral projection through space & time!  And when my landlord comes bitchin about being late with the rent because I dropped 3 bills on a brain machine, I’ll scan his ass and make his head blow up with my new powers of telekenisis!

At least my tax dollars are making me laugh.

Ok, so I hate people taking my money, but at least the people over at the DEA have made it interesting.  Their “kid’s” pages are usually pretty funny.  I especially like THIS ONE where they have a little flash game? where you can see a little green monster throw up after Robo-tripping.  I also like THIS site for D.A.R.E. kids.  It’s another horribly-designed flash site, but they have a link to “Tunes” where the have (and I quote from their site) “some cool audio files hangin’ out on the web. If you have a sound capable computer, you can catch some waveformz in two formats…WAV or streaming RealAudio.”
Yes, cool waveformz with lyrics like these:

You have the power to reach your dreams
When you choose to live drug-free
There’s no need to settle for less
Just keep your eye on what is best

{chorus}

Dare to take a stand
Dare to be free
Dare to to say no
And hold on to your dreams
It is your life and you can choose your destiny
Dare to be the best you can be
Some might try to persuade you
You can walk away or say no thank you
Avoid the situation all together
Stick with friends seeking something better

{repeat chorus}

{rap}
I’ve got my life to live
I don’t have time for that
I’m gonna give my best
Yeah that’s where it’s at
I’ve got my dreams to reach
I’m gonna make it there
I’m gonna stay drug-free
Yeah I’ll take that dare

{repeat chorus}

Yeah, it says rap.  I’ll let you be the judge.

GOA(rmy)TSE

The folks over at BoingBoing are totally obsessed with goatse.  If you don’t know what goatse is, I’m sorry your cave doesn’t get the internet.  Anyway, I found THIS picture that has a slight resemblence to the infamous photo.

                             

Let’s get this thing started–Reverse Kobyashi Style!

Ok, so I was thinking of starting a blog.  Not because I want to blog (verb form), but just so I can have a cool website name like Cory Doctorow’s “Craphound” or the artist Coop’s “Positive Ape Index.”  I just like the thought of having a cool sounding website that I could maybe post YouTube videos or whatever.  Whatever.  I don’t have one yet, but that’s not why I’m writing.

So, I was remembering watching news feed footage a few years ago-when I worked @ TV25-about one of those competitive eating contests.  It was right when they were beginning to get popular.  I think it was the first time the little asian guy won by eating like 50 hotdogs.  Someone at work was talking about how ESPN had a whole story on it & that it was all crazy & stuff & they even had a term for vomitting.  It was called the “Reverse (something).”  The person didn’t know or I just don’t remember what it was called.  But I always thought that was a funny term for an unfunny experience.

So I thought, “Hey, I’ll find out what that term is, and that would be a cool website name…The Reverse (whatever).  So I proceed to Google competitive eating.  What followed has been a day of Unintentional Hilarity.

The first hit is for the IFOCE–International Federation Of Competitive Eating.  Alone it is a goldmine of entertainment.  With profiles on the best eaters in the world.  Such bastions of human accomplishments as “Cookie Jarvis” the “fashionable” eater with his trenchcoat style; Timothy Janus the man of mystery-”Eater X”; “Crazy Legs Conti” who is a bachelor & window washer in NYC’s East village (come on ladies, I think you’re passing up an opportunity here); and Eric Booker who has his own rap CD’s (plural) that you can buy on his website http://www.badlandsbooker.com/ that feature songs like, “Sweet Science of Competitive Eating,” “The All Day Buffet” and the completely respectable “IFOCE Is Here.” (All of which you can sample before you buy, which I did…sample, not buy.)  But none of these people compare to Takeru Kobayashi the 160 pound Japanese guy who once ate 17.7 pounds of Cow Brains in 15 minutes (I kinda think that’s the only “brains” he’s gonna be getting for a while.)

But after searching the entire site-ok, just the pages linked to above-I still coundn’t find the secret phrase they use for ralphing.  Back to Google.  I scoured the Competitive Eating Wiki, still nothing.  I even went to the source of the original topic, ESPN.  But still no alternate term for regurgitation.

Then I stumble upon this: http://www.competitiveeaters.com/  Association of Independent Eaters : Home of the Picnic Style Rules .  What’s this?  A competitor to competition?  As I read I learn the “AICE is an organization composed of Independent Competitive Eaters who are interested in Competitive Eating as a sport and entertainment. Its core membership is composed mostly of professional competitive eaters.”  Huh?  A little further down I learn “AICE seeks to establish mutually beneficial relationships with sponsors, promoters, families and friends.”

Now I’m intruiged.  What does this AICE provide that the IFOCE does not?  Apparently, it’s not what it provides, but what it DOESN’T provide. (Besides more taglines than a cheap undershirt– AICE: A competitive eating organization with a heart …as big as its stomach!)

Apparently our little friends over at IFOCE make all “their” competitors sign a contract that, among other things, take away: the individuals rights to compete in any “non IFOCE sanctioned” events; 20% of any profits made from TV or media appearances; and also more dignity.

As AICE asks potential competitors if they’re sure they want to sign the contract, they also have a checklist of questions to ask yourself before signing, including the question, ” Q. Is this a contract any self respecting Competitive Eater would want to sign?”

(Record needle being scratched accross the vinyl) Wait!  Ok, let me get this, wait, ok…SELF RESPECTING COMPETITIVE EATER?  When talking about actual humans who make money (and some, careers) setting records for eating: 7-quarter pound sticks of Butter in 5 minutes; 4-32oz bowls of Mayonnaise in 8 minutes; and 7 & 3/4 pounds of Turducken (Turkey stuffed with Chicken stuffed with Duck) in 12 minutes, I have to ask, “Where does the term ‘Self Respecting’ cross your mind when reading this?”  I think it was long gone before Dale Boone hit “The Duece.”

As I leave your head spinning with this new enlightenment, I’ll ask you, “What kind of competitive eater are you: one who’s in it for the fame, fortune and lifestyle; or one who does it for the joy, the bragging rights and “Picnic Style Rules?”  (I also ask that if you find out their term for upchucking, let me know so I can start my blog.)  So peace out, Namaste, and remember, the only eaters who aren’t competitive…are pussies.

Later.

$cott

And for those who care, the phrase it turns out, isn’t even Reverse anything, it’s “The Roman Incident.”